Fall is on the way

Normally I dread fall.  I am a warm weather kind of person.  The last couple of days, however, have felt like fall.  Graesen looks soooo cute in his new fall clothes!  Maybe fall won't be so bad afterall :)

Bed head and footsie pajamas.  Can it get any cuter?

Dirty pants :)  Such a boy already!

Zoo

After three visits to the doctor last week Graesen finally got better.  He was so lethargic and lost about a pound and a half from not eating or drinking.  The doctor had me pushing fluids and counting wet diapers in an effort to avoid a trip to the hospital.  Thankfully, the little guy pulled it together, and just in time for our trip to see my sister.

On Thursday we rode over to the west side of the state with my sister, Shawna, and her daughter, Phoebe.  Our oldest sister, Rachae lives over there with her husband and kids (but only Rachae and Addison were there this weekend).  Friday we took our kids to the zoo.  The really enjoyed it, and it was nice to do something together.   Saturday, we dropped the kids off at my friend's house who lives near my sister.  My sisters and I did a 17 mile workout in preparation for our upcoming marathon.  The kids did great with my friend.  The rest of the day we were too tired to do anything.  The kids played around the house then we enjoyed an evening of vegging out and eating junk food.  Sunday we came home.  Here are some pictures from the zoo:

Watching the giraffes cross after feeding time:

Graesen was totally captivated by the elephant:

This lazy bear was so cute:

Tired:

Fun at the farm

Yesterday my mom and I took Graesen and Phoebe up to a local farm.  I needed some fruit for the week and it is much cheaper to buy it up there.  Plus it is fun for the kids.

*Sickness update:  Yesterday morning I thought Graesen was getting better (hence the trip to the farm).  However, he is still refusing to eat and won't drink much.  He is losing weight like crazy.  And this afternoon we had a lovely event involving a naked baby, the color green, and a splatter on the tile floor.  We are going back to the doctor's office this afternoon since he is beginning to show signs of dehydration.  Until then we are spending a lot of time cuddling, because the poor little boy doesn't have energy for much else.

The one where I whine and complain and you (hopefully) don't hold it against me

Graesen is sick.  He has been running fevers ranging from 102 to 103.8.  He will hardly touch food and isn't even very interested in nursing.  Today he has alternated between being super lethargic and super cranky.  I took him to urgent care tonight.  His ears and throat were very red.  The doctor wanted to start him on antibiotics for infected ears, ear drops to help with the pain, and another medicine to hopefully settle his upset tummy.  I went to pay for the medicine and couldn't.  I had checked our account earlier, but something must have gone through that I forgot about.  Evan doesn't get paid until tomorrow and I didn't have enough money to buy my baby medicine.  I was so humbled and started crying when I got in my car.  It felt so horrible to not be able to get my baby what he needed.  My mom was super understanding and supportive and told me to meet her at a pharmacy.  She got the prescriptions for us while I stayed in the car with my sleeping baby boy.  She also came out with some groceries and other things we needed.  I was beyond grateful.  The thing is, Evan lost his job, but was lucky that his old job took him back.  This was great, but the old job pays half what the other job did.  Money is extremely tight, especially the last couple of weeks with some unexpected expenses.  Evan has been applying for jobs, but there is not much out there right now that he is qualified for and that pays well enough.  I will start subbing soon, but it is spotty (especially at the beginning of the year) and I won't get a paycheck until the end of October.  This scares me so much that I have to remind myself to breathe.  I am constantly worrying about money.  On top of that Evan's work is closing for a couple of weeks for renovations.  They originally said they would still pay employees that came in to help with the renovations, but now they are telling everyone to go apply for unemployment.  Just what we needed right now.
Now, back to that subbing thing.  I am super discouraged.  I became a teacher for the reason most people become teachers: to make a difference.  The problem with subbing is that I never get to have a real impact on students.  At the same time I am leaving Graesen which makes me feel like I am not giving him the kind of parenting he needs.  So...I am not giving all that much to the students OR to Graesen.  I would love to stay home and commit myself to raising Graesen to be a loving, Christ-filled man, but can't afford to.  It feels so wrong to leave Graesen, especially for a job where I am not having any major impact.  It scares me that one day I will look back and wish I had given more to Graesen.
When I was younger I had all these aspirations for myself.  I just knew that I would be this incredible teacher, mother, wife, runner, etc.  Now I just want to be a stay at home mom and wife.  I dream of taking my son to playgroups, (learning to cook) family meals, volunteering in my childrens' schools, and maintaining my home.  I wonder if that dream will ever come true. 
This year has been challenging in so many ways and I am so broken down.  Contrary to what some might think, Graesen is not the reason for this feeling.  He is actually the thing that keeps me sane and reminds me that God is present.  I am praying that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel very soon, because I am not sure how much more I can handle (there has been so much going on that I choose not to write about on here).  This weekend I will take Graesen and ride over with my sister and her daughter to visit my other sister and her kids.  I am hoping this trip to the other side of the state and some much needed girl time will give me the rest I need. 

And, just because he is super cute and has a sweet new sweater that my mom knitted him, here are some pictures of my little man: