Grieving and living

I find it to be some sort of cruel punishment that my belly got so big so fast and has now deflated so fast.  I miss that belly.  Evan and I are having a very hard time.  At times we can act normal and then out of no where the tears come.  If we didn't have Graesen around I am sure we would be much worse right now.  I think God has been working on Graesen this week, because he has be so extra cuddly.  He has said "I love you" probably 30 times today and is insisting on kisses as often as possible.  God knew that we would be hurting and is loving us through Graesen.  We decided to name the baby Lea.  Even though I thought I would have a boy, I keep calling the baby a "her."  I think we had a daughter.  We decided on Lea, because it is my middle name.  I always loved my middle name, and since this baby took a piece of me with her it is only fitting that she should share my name.  Plus, even if I am wrong about the gender changing the spelling to Lee would make it a boy name.  I hate that we never got to meet Lea, and I don't think I will ever understand why I never got to hold her.  Now I don't just have to grieve over the loss of her, I also have to go through the physical pain of a miscarriage.  I am hoping that it ends soon so I can just focus on the emotional healing.  Evan and I took Graesen for a walk this morning.  The sun helped.  Graesen and I are at my mom's now (Evan had to go to work) so we don't have to be alone.  He is having a great time with Phoebe and I am just relaxing.