One day at a time

Today I put my maternity clothes away.  I did it in a rush, just throwing things into boxes without folding them, because I did want to take the time to think about why I was putting them away.  I ordered a necklace.  It is going to say Graesen 7/11/09. Lea-in God's arms.  I wanted something tangible to remember Lea by.  Something I can hold and touch when I feel sad.  I also wanted it to include both my children, because Lea is really a part of our family even though we never got to see her.  I spent $70 on the necklace which is way out of character for me.  I am normally the kind of person who feels guilty for buying myself a $15 shirt even if I needed it.  I felt like I needed to do it, though and Evan encouraged me to go for it.  I know it will mean more to me than any dollar amount ever could.  I had to get my blood drawn today to make sure my hormone levels are going down.  It was not easy.  Being in there, surrounded by pregnant women, made me wish so badly that I could be one of those women with a healthy pregnancy.  I am supposed to get a call from the nurse tomorrow with a plan.  Either I will be able to continue to let things go naturally, or I will have to get medicine or a D&C.  I also ordered my bc pills, because we have to wait at least 3 months before trying again.  The doctor considered letting me go without the pill, but this last time (before getting pregnant with Lea) my endometriosis pain was coming back by the second month.  We don't want to take the risk of letting my endometriosis get out of control.  I hate that I have to worry about that.
My mom took Graesen, Phoebe, and I to the park today.  I am so grateful for this little boy of mine to bring me joy even in the toughest of times.  God definitely made Graesen with me in mind.