The kind of parent I want to be

Today there were moments that struck me.  Watching Graesen run out into the flowers left by our blossoming tree when I was trying to rush us off to work.  Seeing puddles we didn't jump in.  Watching my little boy lead 6 and 7 year olds in some sort of silly game on the slide at work.  Caring for 5 kids at once, with two babies crying and in my lap while my son and my niece decided it would be fun to see how many toys they could stuff down the back of my shirt, and I laughed. 
This morning I was tired and lacking motivation.  I asked Evan to watch Graesen for a while so I could nap.  I also spent time scrambling to clean up and stressing out about all the things I "need" to do.  When I saw Graesen run out into the flowers I realized an hour of tossing petals in the air was missed.  I saw puddles that could have made Graesen and I both laugh, and could have been "practice" for our coming mud race.  Lately I have been so worried by the things I need to do and the stresses of life: finances, the fact that we feel like we need to move to a safer location, life as a working mom and how I really wish I could be a stay at home mom, the fact that I have a million and two things that need to be done in my house and not enough time or money to do them all, whether or not God will allow me to get pregnant again, whether or not I will have another miscarriage.  When I start to worry like this, I start to get into routines.  I actually don't like routines.  I like spontaneity.  I like my life a little messy.  I like finger paints, mud fights, and family baking.  I like giant tents in my living room just because we felt like making a "fort."  I don't like spending my entire morning cleaning, getting ready for work, going for a run, and attempting to get Graesen to nap.  Yes, these are things that are needed, but what is my life becoming if that is all I do outside of the hours for work?  What kind of mom am I being for Graesen?  What kind of experiences am I giving Graesen?  Today I saw Graesen lead kids 3 times his age in games and I knew that God gave me a special kind of child.  He gave me a child who will challenge me, but help me grow.  A child who needs a life of adventure and parents who are willing to jump in the puddles with him.  A child who can do something big with his life if I raise him in the right way.
God continues to put me in situations where I am surrounded by kids.  I always say that I want a bunch of kids, but there is more to it than that.  I truly feel like children might be my calling.  I do not feel like my family is complete.  I feel like there is more to come.  When I am holding two crying babies while two kids stuff toys down the back of my shirt, I do not get frustrated.  I laugh.  I laugh because I feel like that is what God made me for.  I laugh because I can envision a future with a house full of little ones (both biological and adopted) and being surrounded by chaos and joy.  I want to live in a house with little finger prints on the windows and dirty footprints making a trail through my kitchen.  I hope to have a refrigerator that is completely covered in my childrens' art work and report cards.  I hope to have family movie nights with homemade popcorn and blankets laid out on the floor.  These are the things that make a life. 
Tomorrow maybe I will be able to put aside the stresses of everyday life and find time to dance in the flowers with my son.