Celebration through the grief

Today was a weird day.  Today I celebrated and grieved.  I thanked the Lord for the savior He sent us in the form of a baby.  At the same time I called out to Him to heal my heart.  Today was my due date.  My due date for a baby I wanted so desperately.  I prayed for that baby and when I lost her I felt like a piece of me was forever gone.  Last night I scrambled around the house searching for another chain to replace the broken one that goes with the necklace I had made when I lost Lea.  I felt like I had to have that necklace close to my heart today.  I found myself wondering if anyone would remember that this Christmas Eve I would be aching.  Of course, my family did, but sometimes grief feels so lonely that you forget you have support all around you.  I know that Lea is somewhere better now.  I know the life she would have been born into this Christmas would have been a very painful one given the current circumstances of my broken life.  Yet, I still miss her.  I read something recently that really stuck with me.  A family who lost a baby at birth said that you have to remember that while in this life you won't get to raise that child, in heaven you will get the opportunity to know them.  There is something that is so comforting in knowing that I will get to hold Lea someday.  Someone else is holding her tonight and every night until we get to meet.  It hurts that I have to wait.  I would have done the best I could to make her life beautiful if God had given me the chance.  I don't know if I will get the opportunity to have another child.  I have given up trying to plan a life that really only God can control.  I can dream, but I know that the course my life takes is ultimately up to God.  I hope there is more to come for me as a mom.  When I lost Lea the thing that kept me going was knowing I could try for another baby.  Not that another baby could replace Lea, but another baby would give Graesen a sibling.  I never imagined that come Lea's due date this would be the state of my life and my marriage.  I never imagined that life would become more painful than it was that afternoon I went in for an ultrasound to find a baby with no heartbeat.  Tonight I miss her and I pray that God will heal all the broken parts of me.  I will press forward by focusing on the hope God sent to us through His son.  Through Him I will one day be whole again.

My mom got me flowers today and a letter "L" ornament.  This meant a lot to me.

Graesen and I met with my college roommate for some frozen yogurt today.  She is newly engaged and was in town, because her fiance's family is from here.  I am so thrilled that she has found the love of her life and I pray that God blesses their marriage.  It was so great seeing them both today (her fiance went to school with us too and was on the cross country team with us).

We were surprised with some snow today.  I love having snow for Christmas, so hopefully it sticks for tomorrow.  Graesen and Addison enjoyed playing out in the snow for a little bit, then came in for hot cocoa (which Graesen still won't drink).

Before church we took some pictures of the kids (Phoebe is with her dad until tomorrow and Aidan is with his mom this Christmas, so there were only two kids tonight) and had a family dinner.

Addison added an ornament to the tree at church for our family.

After church we headed back to my parents' house for snacks and a game of Yahtzee. 

I was so grateful tonight to have family to spend time with.  In the darkest times of my life I always know that I have an immense amount of support from my family.