Just plain hard

Today I struggled a lot with how everything that is happening is going to effect Graesen.  I love my son so much, and from the minute I knew he was growing in me I wanted to everything I could to protect him.  I hate to think of the struggles we will face in the coming months as Graesen adjusts to having his mommy and daddy living in two separate places.  Tonight is the first night (Evan had been staying in the basement bedroom while we figured things out, but is at his parents' house now until we figure out what to do about the house).  I broke down when he left.  It was hard to have him here knowing that it will never be normal again, and hard to have him leave knowing that it really is happening.  Every time Graesen asked where daddy was today my heart just broke for him.  Knowing how he will hurt is far more painful than anything else I am experiencing.  Of course he will still see his daddy, but it won't be as much as before.  I want normalcy for Graesen.  I want for him to have security and comfort.  I cannot protect him from the hurt he is going to encounter and that just kills me.  I tried to stop it from happening, but that just wasn't possible.  Graesen does not really grasp what is happening/going to happen just yet.  He does, however, recognize that something is different and sees that I am hurting.  Today he crawled in my lap and started wiping my tears, saying, "It's okay, Mommy."  I try not to break down in front of him too much, but there is the occasional moment when he sees the raw emotion.  I put a book on hold at the library about the effects divorce has on kids.  The counselor suggested it, but warned that it will be very hard to read.  I am just so worried about Graesen's well being in all of this.  I love this little boy so much and just pray that God will use this season of his life to help him grow into a strong, loving, and compassionate Christian boy.

I have to say I saw one of the google ads on my blog today.  It said something along the lines of "the 10 things women do that push men away."  It kind of bummed me out.  Like divorce is automatically the fault of a woman for "pushing the man away."  What about the women who fight with every bit of strength they have to keep their marriage going?  What about the women who forgive so many hurts, hoping that things will change?  There are many reasons for divorce, and I don't think that "pushing a man away" is the reason very often.