Stronger than I ever knew...

...and stronger than I ever wished I would have to be.  I used to think I was strong.  I used to think that my determination and my ability to push my body to the limits while running meant I was strong. 

Now I know better.  It's not that I wasn't strong then, but I was somewhat "untested" at that point of my life.  Over the past 2-3 years I have been tested in more ways than I could have expected.  I learned a strength I never knew was possible.

I learned what it was like to deal with situations that were scary and heartbreaking while still caring for my son.  I learned to take care of my baby while everything around me crumbled.

  I learned to become a ferocious mom and demand that doctors pay attention to my son's symptoms.  I learned to get up every hour all night long for months to nurse a crying baby with stomach problems.  I learned to hold down my baby while nurses drew blood from his arms and keep myself from crying so that I could comfort him.

  I learned to give my child a bath while literally miscarrying my second child at the same time.  I learned what it meant to lose and never be the same. 

I learned how to go to work after being up crying all. night. long.  I learned how to focus on my students and save the tears for my lunch break.

I learned how to show love while being constantly hurt.  I learned how to fight for something I believed in until the very end.  I learned to pick up the pieces of messes I didn't make, move on, and forgive.  I learned how to give up everything I knew for the hope of something greater.

I learned to put my hopes and dreams in the hands of God.  I learned to be joyful even when I had little to be happy about.

I learned that I can make it through anything if I lean on God.  I learned that I can adapt and become stronger with each challenge I face.

I learned that I will be a better mother and a better person because of it.  I learned that just because one dream is gone does not mean that all hope is lost. 

I learned that God has a great plan for me.  He put me on this earth for a reason and He will use me for his purposes.

I learned this year that I really am stronger than I ever knew, even if it is stronger than I ever wished I would have to be.
Today may hurt.  Tomorrow I may cry.  But, someday I will be grateful for the strength I had to build.  I will start chasing new dreams.  I will not only be the mother Graesen needs, but also the woman I desire to be.

And because no day is complete without new Graesen pictures, here you go:

I love how he always has his mouth wide open while he uses scissors :)