The things I didn't know and couldn't control

I used to have a very limited view of the world.  I imagined my life and thought if I just did things right it would turn out just as I dreamed.  I thought I could work harder and problems would be fixed.  I thought I could love someone's hurts away.  I thought I could love someone into loving me.
I've learned that I have very little control (if any) over my life.  Sometimes you can do every "right" and still have things crumble.  Sometimes no amount of work can fix things.  Some things just aren't meant to be fixed.  No matter how much love you put into a person, you cannot change their heart.  You can love and love, but they might wish you would stop.  Sometimes (often) life is a mess.  You focus on survival, because it is really all you can do.  I am learning to hand the control over to God, because, really, he was the one in control all along anyways.  I am learning to function even when my heart hurts so bad I physically feel it.  I am learning to focus on the blessings I do have no matter how few there seem to be at the moment.  I have a son that I still can't believe God gave me the blessing of raising.  I focus on his needs and his heart.  I try to make his life sweet and magical even though my life is a storm.  In those moments when I focus completely on Graesen it feels like the world goes still and I can breathe again.