Ready for a breather

I realize that it is super late, but I have just been go, go, go all night and am finally done.  I thought about going straight to bed, but decided that I was too wound up for that.  The reason I was busy all night is that Graesen and I are leaving on a camping trip with my family tomorrow and I have been packing up a storm.  I love to camp, but have never gone with Graesen so I feel a little unsure about how much of this or that I will need.  I am fairly certain I packed too much, but what's new?  We leave tomorrow night and will be gone until next Thursday or Friday.  The only pictures I got today were while Graesen and I were out shopping for snacks for the trip, and Graesen was really more interested in his water bottle than the picture-taking.  In the store he was cracking me up.  As we walked by clothes he kept reaching out to things saying, "I like it.  It's cute!"  He was also copying everything I said, so I said something about him copying me and he replied with, "Yeah, copy."

I am eager for a breather this week.  I have had enough stress and just need to enjoy the company of my family and the joys of watching my son experience camping for the first time.  I will tell you this, though, I am a lot stronger than I ever knew.  That is not to say that I don't hurt, because I really do.  However, I am able to continue functioning and living life, and even sometimes smiling.  My faith in God is stronger than ever, and I know that He is working in me and has great plans for me.  I do wish sometimes that He would give me a hint as to what those plans are :)  He will lead me, though.  I am confident that He will lead me toward whatever is right and best. 
I have been spending a lot of time thinking about how I am raising Graesen.  How I am showing him God on a day to day basis.  Today Graesen just made me laugh so much.  He has fallen in love with the song "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands."  I was singing it with him and Graesen started jumping and dancing, and kept shouting out people and animals that God has in His hands.  It is a huge joy to watch Graesen learn about God.

Surviving and a bee sting

Today I continued to struggle.  I went on an off about how to deal with what has happened and I am no closer now than when I woke up this morning.  I keep hoping for an easy answer, some sort of formula for happiness.  No matter what happens there will be pain and a lot of it.  The question is what will cause less damage?  I am exhausted.  Luckily, Graesen and I leave on Saturday for a camping trip with my family.  I think the change for the normal routine will help and give me time to think and pray.

Tonight after work Graesen was super hyped up.  I told him about the camping trip and he thought it was right then.  So, I drove around town trying to get him to settle down and maybe fall asleep.  He couldn't sleep and we came to a park with a pond, so we got out to walk around.  Just as we were leaving Graesen fell down then kept fussing about his leg.  It was never a real cry, just a fuss.  He kept saying, "A pokey, Mommy kiss it."  When I got him in the car I noticed that he had been stung by a bee and had a big welt forming around the sting sight.  Poor kid!  I cannot not believe he didn't cry harder.  He is so tough!

Here he is napping at work tonight.  He just looked so cute.

Crushed

After yesterday's post all about hope and forgiveness, today I was crushed.  I a big bad way.  A kind of betrayal you never recover from, from a person who should never betray me.  I will not share more at this time, but I will say that today was one of the worst days of my life.  No, I am not being over dramatic.  If I wrote what happened I am sure that everyone would agree that it really was a horrific day.  I am sure I will share more soon. 
This is the only picture I got of Graesen today, because I was too busy between the crying, meeting with my pastor, and work. 

When you let God in...

you will be amazed at what He can do.  Sunday I was angry.  And when I say angry, I mean as angry as I have probably ever been.  Somehow I don't really feel angry anymore.  Last fall I spent a lot of time in prayer about the state of my heart.  I asked for the ability to forgive.  I realized that I was holding in a lot of pain and grudges about things in my past.  That is an exhausting way to live.  I prayed for God to take over and soften my heart.  I cannot tell you how much this impacted my life.  It continues to impact my life.  Through God I am able to forgive the biggest hurts and grow.  This is freedom!  Next up, learning to be slow to anger :)

This morning Evan and I went for a run.  While Evan did sit ups I watched Graesen have a little water slide fun in the backyard.  Let me tell you, that run really wore me out today!  I have this cold and barely have a voice, but I thought I would be fine to run.  I ran, but it was not pretty and I was exhausted for hours afterward.  So, instead of joining Evan in ab work, I took pictures of Graesen with Evan (accidentally) in the background.  He is just going to love that :)  Anyway, it didn't take long for Graesen to decide that his swim suit was hindering him.  I took off his shirt thinking that would pacify him.  It did not.  He undressed himself the rest of the way.  Not so good when we have a cyclone fence and live on a busy street.  I don't really like him out naked where everyone can see.  Evan helped me tackle Graesen to get his shorts on which was apparently the most heartbreaking moment of the day.  Clearly, you can not go on a water slide unless you are naked :)

Hopeful

Today I was hopeful which can be attributed to none other than God Himself.  I have been amazed the past year or so how God has pulled me up from the lowest of lows and reminds me to hold on.  Life is hard.  It will continue to be hard.  But God is listening.  He may not answer as quickly as I want sometimes or in the way I thought He would, but still I can feel him working in my life.

We took Graesen for a walk today.  He ran and ran until he was hot, sweaty, and red.  We took his shirts off, but he seems to think that losing a shirt means the pants must come off.  It took some convincing to get him to keep them on :)

All that I can give

There was a song we used to sing at church camp.  The lines went something like, " This is all that I can say right now.  I know it's not much.  And this is all that I can give.  And that's my everything."  It was about being broken, yet coming to the feet of God with what little you had left.  That is exactly how I feel right now.  Today was a very bad day.  Really, it's been a bad week, but today was awful.  Today I hurt and was angry.  Today someone did something that challenged me in a way I never really wanted to be challenged.  A relationship is being tested, and to be honest I feel like I have been giving so much.  I have been doing everything I was supposed to do.  I laid it all at the feet of God more times than I can count, just praying for the strength to get through these challenges.  I have no idea why God has allowed me to be tested so much lately.  It seems unfair to deal with this in the wake of my miscarriage.  I am exhausted, yet fighting.   I have gotten so little sleep this week that I have caught a cold, and have started to lose my voice tonight.  I could really use a break from the hard stuff.  I need a chance to breathe and have hope again.  But for now I will give all that I have, and lay it at the feet of my Lord, even if there is very little left to give.
This is the only picture I have of Graesen today.  My family watched him for the majority of the boy and he was so exhausted that he crashed on the way home.

Please pray that I can get through this and come out stronger (whatever that looks like).  Pray for me to hold onto my faith and to remember what I am fighting for in the first place.  And please pray for me to able to love Graesen in a way that shields him from all of the hurt right now.

Yesterday and today

Yesterday I spent the whole day cleaning.  We're talking 8-9 hours.  I cleaned upstairs and folded laundry and then tackled the basement.  We don't really use our basement much and it had become a storage ground for pretty much everything.  Yesterday I decided to make it liveable.  It was long, tiring, and not very much fun.  Graesen, however, really enjoyed getting into everything.  All the cleaning apparently wore him out too, because he started falling asleep during dinner (which was nachos, because after a long day like that I decided that we/I deserved something junky/awesome). 

I worked this morning while Graesen stayed with Evan.  We then ran some errands and Graesen fell asleep, so we took a nap together.  He was in a MOOD when he woke up!  He wanted the cat to come cuddle with him on the couch, and when the cat did not follow directions Graesen lost it!  I gave him some stickers to cheer him up, but ultimately it was a run in the stroller and a trip the park/splash pad that did the trick.

A trip to the market and the park

My mom and I took Graesen and Phoebe to a market today.  We did not bring strollers.  Graesen apparently cannot handle not having a stroller.  He was quite naughty.  He threw a major temper tantrum when I wouldn't let him do what he wanted.  Needless to say, or time at the market was short lived.  We headed off to a park for a picnic lunch.