Finding my footing

I am having to figure out who I am again, how I got here, and who I want to be.  It's not what I wanted, but it is part of plan that is bigger than me.  I can allow what has happened to ruin my life, or I can open myself up for God's will.  I have decided that I can use this opportunity to grow and seek God more fully.  God uses brokenness to mold and shape us into who He desires us to be.  Never before have I been so broken as I have been this year.  God must be planning something big for my heart and my life.  It is scary and sometimes I feel like the world is spinning around me so fast that I can't catch my balance, but with a prayer I take a step and find my footing in this new life.

*Graesen was very into his baby today.  It makes my heart happy to see him love on his baby.

Today

Today I went to get my hair cut while my mom watched Graesen and Phoebe in the play area.  They played very hard.

We had a little snack when I was done with my haircut.

Being that this year has been majorly stressful I had not had a hair cut since June.  With all that I was dealing with, a haircut dropped very low on the list of priorities.  It felt good to finally get it done.  Sometimes it's the little things.

Just plain hard

Today I struggled a lot with how everything that is happening is going to effect Graesen.  I love my son so much, and from the minute I knew he was growing in me I wanted to everything I could to protect him.  I hate to think of the struggles we will face in the coming months as Graesen adjusts to having his mommy and daddy living in two separate places.  Tonight is the first night (Evan had been staying in the basement bedroom while we figured things out, but is at his parents' house now until we figure out what to do about the house).  I broke down when he left.  It was hard to have him here knowing that it will never be normal again, and hard to have him leave knowing that it really is happening.  Every time Graesen asked where daddy was today my heart just broke for him.  Knowing how he will hurt is far more painful than anything else I am experiencing.  Of course he will still see his daddy, but it won't be as much as before.  I want normalcy for Graesen.  I want for him to have security and comfort.  I cannot protect him from the hurt he is going to encounter and that just kills me.  I tried to stop it from happening, but that just wasn't possible.  Graesen does not really grasp what is happening/going to happen just yet.  He does, however, recognize that something is different and sees that I am hurting.  Today he crawled in my lap and started wiping my tears, saying, "It's okay, Mommy."  I try not to break down in front of him too much, but there is the occasional moment when he sees the raw emotion.  I put a book on hold at the library about the effects divorce has on kids.  The counselor suggested it, but warned that it will be very hard to read.  I am just so worried about Graesen's well being in all of this.  I love this little boy so much and just pray that God will use this season of his life to help him grow into a strong, loving, and compassionate Christian boy.

I have to say I saw one of the google ads on my blog today.  It said something along the lines of "the 10 things women do that push men away."  It kind of bummed me out.  Like divorce is automatically the fault of a woman for "pushing the man away."  What about the women who fight with every bit of strength they have to keep their marriage going?  What about the women who forgive so many hurts, hoping that things will change?  There are many reasons for divorce, and I don't think that "pushing a man away" is the reason very often.

Letting go

The hardest thing to do is to let go of my dreams.  My dreams for our little family are what kept me going when things got bad.  Every time I felt like giving up I thought about my dreams for our little family.  I thought that if I just got through that little period of time everything would get easier.  I thought for certain that if I did all the "right things" that life would start to look up.  I am learning that it doesn't always look that way and I am letting go of everything I dreamed of for us.
Graesen was watched by my mom today while I went to a counseling appointment.  Although we are no longer going as a couple, I have continued to go by myself.  I am fortunate that my health insurance covers counseling.  It gives me a chance to talk about all I am going through and make sure that I am working on healing in a healthy way.  I have dealt with so much pain for a long time and I want to make sure that I address that pain and work through it so that I grow stronger and can become truly healed.  I am so grateful for this resource, and it is an added bonus that my counselor is a Christian.  Having someone that is supportive of me leaning on God during this time and who will pray with/for me is an awesome thing. 
Graesen and Phoebe decided to play dress up in Phoebe's old halloween costumes.  Phoebe was a pink cat and Graesen was a cow.

I'm glad Graesen has Phoebe since he will not have siblings close in age (hopefully, someday down the road he will have some).  Phoebe's family went through the same thing a year ago, so they will grow up understanding what the other is going through with the trials of split families.

Surviving Christmas

This was our last Christmas as a whole family.  Evan and I chose to do Christmas morning as normal for Graesen.  We both wanted to be able to see his face first thing in the morning when he saw his presents under the tree.  I had a very hard time the night before when I was setting all the presents out.  I knew it was my last time doing it in the house and with Evan.  We had already bought gifts for each other before the big heartbreaking event that was the deciding factor in us splitting.  We decided to just go ahead and still give those gifts.  It was odd.  It was a combination of feeling like we were just going along with an old habit and saying goodbye at the same time.  I some pictures of our last tree as a family with all the presents under it.

We had to wake Graesen up in the morning to open his gifts since we had a schedule.  He loved his new "motorcycle," but really his favorite gift was probably a rather annoying firetruck we got him.  I don't usually buy Graesen noisy toys, but I knew he would love this one and he did.


After we finished up with our gifts we headed to Evan's parents' house for a little bit.  They still wanted me to come for a while.  Evan and I have been together since we were freshmen in high school, so we have been together for 11 years.  Even though us getting a divorce is really what has to be done (we have the support of everyone.  Even the marriage counselor told me that given the circumstances it is the definitely the right thing to do), it is hard on everyone.  We have grown to be a part of each others' families.  It was very hard for me to go to his parents' house Christmas day.  I felt awkward and sad, and kept feeling the shock of knowing it was the last time.  I didn't stay the whole time.  I stayed through gifts (again, we had all already bought gifts for each other) then left before brunch.  I gave them some time with Graesen alone and headed to my parents' house.

Graesen joined my family and I around 2:30.  Phoebe got back from being with her dad too.  We opened presents and the kids played with all their toys.  Graesen was beyond spoiled this Christmas by everyone and by the time we finished unwrapping presents for the 3rd time that day I was questioning whether or not my kid would ever need another toy. 

We got Miss Addison her first big girl bible.

After dinner the kids got into pjs and played games/watched cartoons on my sister's kindle. 

Today Graesen was with Evan and his family for a big portion of the day.  A month or so ago I scheduled for a photographer to meet with all of Evan's family for his parents' Christmas gift (from us and Evan's brother and his wife).  Of course, I was originally supposed to be there too.  Instead I got Graesen ready and then dropped him off.  This put me in a big funk for a good portion of the day.  I had been so excited to surprise Evan's parents with this gift and had been seriously looking forward to it.  It was tough to realize that I no longer belong in family photos with them.  It doesn't matter that I fought for our marriage and did everything I could to make it work, I am still losing a lot of people. 
I gave the photographer a heads up on the fact that I would no longer be in the pictures.  I asked if she could just take a couple of Graesen alone so that I could have one or two.  She was so sweet and said that she would like to meet with Graesen and I alone for no extra charge.  So, tomorrow Graesen and I will get our pictures taken.  I am so grateful for this, because I wanted some pictures of the two of us to kind of mark our new beginning.  It is hard to have wedding pictures still up all around me, so I thought that pictures of Graesen and I would be more uplifting to look at for me.
Graesen was so tired when he go back from pictures and lunch with Evan's family that he slept from 2:30 to 7:15!  I slept with him, so that is why I am still up so late.  I didn't get any good pictures of Graesen today, since he was gone a lot of the day and then slept so long.  I just have a picture of the little guy eating dinner.

One fun thing I got to do today was go spend a couple of gift cards I got as gifts.  I was able to get myself a bunch of new clothes, including a new outfit for pictures tomorrow.  It was nice to have something to do while they did pictures today to help get me out of my funk.

Celebration through the grief

Today was a weird day.  Today I celebrated and grieved.  I thanked the Lord for the savior He sent us in the form of a baby.  At the same time I called out to Him to heal my heart.  Today was my due date.  My due date for a baby I wanted so desperately.  I prayed for that baby and when I lost her I felt like a piece of me was forever gone.  Last night I scrambled around the house searching for another chain to replace the broken one that goes with the necklace I had made when I lost Lea.  I felt like I had to have that necklace close to my heart today.  I found myself wondering if anyone would remember that this Christmas Eve I would be aching.  Of course, my family did, but sometimes grief feels so lonely that you forget you have support all around you.  I know that Lea is somewhere better now.  I know the life she would have been born into this Christmas would have been a very painful one given the current circumstances of my broken life.  Yet, I still miss her.  I read something recently that really stuck with me.  A family who lost a baby at birth said that you have to remember that while in this life you won't get to raise that child, in heaven you will get the opportunity to know them.  There is something that is so comforting in knowing that I will get to hold Lea someday.  Someone else is holding her tonight and every night until we get to meet.  It hurts that I have to wait.  I would have done the best I could to make her life beautiful if God had given me the chance.  I don't know if I will get the opportunity to have another child.  I have given up trying to plan a life that really only God can control.  I can dream, but I know that the course my life takes is ultimately up to God.  I hope there is more to come for me as a mom.  When I lost Lea the thing that kept me going was knowing I could try for another baby.  Not that another baby could replace Lea, but another baby would give Graesen a sibling.  I never imagined that come Lea's due date this would be the state of my life and my marriage.  I never imagined that life would become more painful than it was that afternoon I went in for an ultrasound to find a baby with no heartbeat.  Tonight I miss her and I pray that God will heal all the broken parts of me.  I will press forward by focusing on the hope God sent to us through His son.  Through Him I will one day be whole again.

My mom got me flowers today and a letter "L" ornament.  This meant a lot to me.

Graesen and I met with my college roommate for some frozen yogurt today.  She is newly engaged and was in town, because her fiance's family is from here.  I am so thrilled that she has found the love of her life and I pray that God blesses their marriage.  It was so great seeing them both today (her fiance went to school with us too and was on the cross country team with us).

We were surprised with some snow today.  I love having snow for Christmas, so hopefully it sticks for tomorrow.  Graesen and Addison enjoyed playing out in the snow for a little bit, then came in for hot cocoa (which Graesen still won't drink).

Before church we took some pictures of the kids (Phoebe is with her dad until tomorrow and Aidan is with his mom this Christmas, so there were only two kids tonight) and had a family dinner.

Addison added an ornament to the tree at church for our family.

After church we headed back to my parents' house for snacks and a game of Yahtzee. 

I was so grateful tonight to have family to spend time with.  In the darkest times of my life I always know that I have an immense amount of support from my family.