I am slowly coming to terms with what has happened to my life. I know that I will be stronger and eventually I will even be happier. No one gets married thinking it won't work out. You fall in love and give it everything you got and sometimes you get your heart broken. To be honest, my heart was broken over a period of a few years. There were big, final, can't-get-over-it kind of heartbreaks, but by that point in time I was already living with a fairly large crack right down the middle of my heart. I hurt all the time, but did my best to push forward and hope for something beautiful. There was so much that played into the breakdown of my marriage. I had a hard time seeing my place in it all, since I was so frequently hurt and left trying to put the pieces back together. I felt like I lived in a constant state of crisis, always waiting for the next disaster and blow to my heart. I am starting to see now, however, that I did play a part in it all. I allowed myself to be hurt. I didn't respect myself enough to stand up for myself. I did what I did for so much of my life: I acted as a push over. I am realizing how much of a problem this was. It started when I was little and bullied in school, and here I am today coming to terms with the fact that I let that weakness in me hurt in my marriage too. Once I started speaking up and expressing what I felt it was too late. Patterns had already been formed in my marriage. I found myself trying to make everything perfect thinking it would make me worth loving, and worth coming home to. I did my best to actively show love even when my heart was feeling anything but that. I never stopped believing in love and that it could work out. I kept praying that it wouldn't get to this point, but it did. And even though it hurts, and it feels like I am heading out into a dark and scary world I am not prepared for, I know that I will be better and stronger. I am relearning who I am. I am rediscovering the passions I gave up a long time ago in an effort to be someone who could make Evan happy. I am figuring out what my strengths are, and even more importantly what my weaknesses are. I am using this time to heal, to learn respect for myself, to grow closer to God. I am young and I highly doubt that God's plans for me are done with. I don't know what He has in store for me, but I like to think that it is something good. I have been through so much the past few years and I am just so eager for a time of peace. I yearn for calmness. This is only a season of my life. There will be seasons of pain, seasons of healing, seasons of joy. I just have to hold on for a while longer. I have yet to encounter something I couldn't make it through. God always provides me with strength and resources I need to make it through.
Today was one of Evan's days off work, so Graesen spent sometime with him and his parents while I went to counseling. (Can I just say that I am so grateful that God has provided me with a Christian counselor to see during this time. Talking about everything in counseling helps so much. I actually look forward to my sessions, because when I walk out I feel like I am capable of handling all the struggles in my life. I highly recommend that anyone going through something really hard try counseling.) I missed Graesen so much today. I tried to run around and get some things done (i.e. grocery shopping and cleaning) so that when Graesen got back from going to the children's museum with them I would be able to really focus on enjoying my time with him. He was so sweet tonight. We worked on his new Melissa and Doug basic skills puzzles. I was so proud of him when he figured out how to do the button :) He gets this look of determination and keeps trying until he gets it. I am so glad that he seems to have a natural sense of what it means to persevere. I hope this carries him far in life.
Graesen was so funny tonight playing with this little dinosaur he has. He dropped it and he said, "Oh, no! I'm so sorry, baby dinosaur! Are you okay?" I was just too cute :)
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