Goodbye to the worst year yet

Never before have I been so happy to say goodbye to a year.  This year has been brutal.  Everytime I thought it couldn't get worse, it did.  Everytime I prayed to God telling him I couldn't handle another thing, He proved me wrong.  I am no longer trying to tell God what I can and can't handle.  It hasn't worked out so well for me :)  Yes, there were good times this year, but there was also a whole lot of heartache.  2012 is really a new beginning for me.  It means starting over again as a single mom.  It means finding a full time job after 2 1/2 years of enjoying so much time with Graesen while only working part time.  It means moving and figuring out a way to support Graesen and I on my own.  It means figuring out who I am apart from the relationship I was in for 11 years.  It means healing from losing a pregnancy, and accepting the fact that another baby is not in the plans for a long time (if at all).  It also means using all this hurt as an opportunity to grow and to follow my dreams.
I decided to do a little review of the year.  There is so much that happened that I did not write on the blog.  The specifics of what made this year so hard are not all appropriate to write on a blog that everyone can see.  Over the course of the year so many things happened that hurt me and threatened to drag me down each month.  Only by the grace of God was I able to make it through this year with my sanity intact and my heart focused on Him.
Here is a review of 2011:

January

We started visiting a new trampoline place in town.  Graesen is free until he turns 3!

We also did a lot of art, played in the snow, and learned to cook together.

February

Graesen had his first trip to the dentist.

Graesen and I visited my friend in Florida for the 3rd time.

March

We headed across the state at the beginning of the month to celebrate cousin Aidan's track meet birthday party, and Graesen showed us his determination to keep up with the big kids.

We spent a lot of time at the park.

April

We headed across the state again for cousin Addison's princess birthday party.

Graesen had his first and only (so far) night away from me.

I found out I was pregnant with baby #2.  I was only 3 weeks 1 day and I was ecstatic.

We celebrated Graesen's 3rd Easter.

May

Both the doctor and I thought I might be pregnant with twins, so I anxiously waited for an ultrasound to find out.

Graesen got a big boy bed in his room, played outside a lot, and learned to ride his tricycle.
The day of my ultrasound (8 weeks 2 days) I started to miscarry.  The ultrasound confrimed my worst fears as it showed a baby with no heart beat.

At the end of the month we visited the cabin for the first time of the year.

June

Graesen and I headed across the state with my parents for a little cousin time and enjoyed some time playing in the sound.

Graesen learned to go down waterslides.

We got to feed a baby cow.

July



We spent the 4th of July at the cabin.

We went on a long family bike ride.

Graesen turned 2 and had a bug themed birthday party.

Some very painful, hard things happened which were what led to where we are today.

August

Graesen went on his first camping trip.

I learned that things really can get worse.

We ran a mud race.
Graesen learned to swim on his own without any floaties.

Graesen went tubing for the first time.

September



Graesen enjoyed going on rides.

We took a trip across the state to buy Evan a car and got to stay with Evan's brother and his wife.

I painted our upstairs rooms.

I turned 26.

We went to a hot air balloon festival.

October



We drove across the state for a salmon festival.

Graesen got a big owie at the pumpkin farm.

Graesen attended his first college football game.

We visited a corn maze.

We spent a lot of time playing in the leaves.

We celebrated halloween and Graesen dressed as a "tiger kitty."

November

After having lots of stomach pain for 2 years, I had an upper and lower endoscopy done.  Thank goodness I had the test done, because the doctor found some pre-cancerous stuff that had to be removed.  I will now be tested every 3 years to catch anything before it turns into full blown cancer.

Graesen did his own Christmas shopping for the first time.

We celebrated Thanksgiving.

We threw a Christmas themed breakfast party at our house.

We cut down our Christmas tree.

I had oral surgery done.

December



We had santa pictures taken.

We went to our church's advent festival.
Life fell apart, my heart broke, and my marriage came to an end.

I was radioactive for a day.

I learned how strong I am and started the process of figuring out who I am without Evan.

I survived my due date without a new baby in my arms and did my best to enjoy Christmas Eve.

We made it through Christmas.
Tonight Graesen and I headed to my parents' house to stay the night.  We ate dinner, played games, and ate lots of snacks.  Graesen and Phoebe enjoyed a bath with glow in the dark necklaces, watched a show together on my mom's kindle, played in Graesen's sleeping bag, and checked out Graesen's new bedding.

Graesen got some bedding for Christmas from Evan's parents that did not match the baskets/buckets I store his stuff in.  I returned it and ordered some new bedding, but the new bedding was much lighter colored in person than on the internet.  Today I returned that and headed to Target where I finally found something that would work.  I decided on a space theme.  I was originally going to do something with transportation for his big boy room (now new room whereever we end up moving to), but I couldn't find anything I liked that matched the red baskets and accessories I already have for his room.  The space set ended up really cute, and with the money from returning the original bedding I was able to get the quilt, sheets, a matching lamp, and a painted wall hanging.