A painful new reality

Tonight Graesen went to have an overnight with Evan for the first time.  This is only the second time in his 2 1/2 years that he has been away from me overnight.

I didn't want to let him go.  The house seems impossibly empty without him here.

 I am sad and angry.  It seems so unfair that I am losing so much.  I fought through so much pain for the past few years to avoid getting to this point.

 I wanted desperately for Graesen to be raised in a family that was whole.  I wanted him to see his parents interact in loving ways so that he would know what a beautiful thing marriage can be.

 I wanted for Graesen to have one home, not two.  I wanted to give him a magical childhood.

I am so tired of loss.  I have lost a baby, and the hope of another.  I lost a husband, a family that was whole.  I lost the ability to stay home with Graesen as much as possible, which means I lost time with Graesen.

 I lost an adult presence in the home.  I lost my dreams for our family.  I lost family from Evan's side.  I will be losing a home I worked to make our own.  And tonight I grieve the loss of being able to always have my son with me.

 I want to rant and rave about the injustice of it all.  How from the minute Graesen was just a little heartbeat growing in me, I did everything I could to be the mom he needed and deserved.

 And how I feel like I am being punished for actions that were not my own. 
I wonder why God chose for me to go through this.

 I wonder what it is that makes some people experience these beautiful marriages while I sit alone trying to figure out where to go from here.

I am tired and worn and feel too old for my age.
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On a less depressing note, here is a bit about our day today:
Graesen loved getting treated to a doughnut at church by my dad:

He also really loved "helping" with the shoveling at my parents' house:

I found a couple of little mailboxes and some stickers in the dollar bins at Target, so we made a little Valentines box for Graesen.

We got one for Phoebe too and Graesen made her her first mail for it.

I made Graesen his first mail for his box.

Tonight I wrote Graesen a little note and left it with a hershey hug in his mailbox for when he gets home tomorrow.